World Anti-DrugTransnational Internet contest - "Maya"

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother’s death. 14 years have passed from her death and for all these years I have been tormented by my guilt to her. 10 years ago I used to ask her for forgiveness every single day. There was no day that I didn’t think of her. For the last four years, it became better, she seemed to forgive me or perhaps she sees that I changed and live the different life.

Please, don’t think that I treated her as a stinker. I never argued with her and never begged her for money for the dose, treating her bad, as it usually happens with drug addicts. No way, even though we were never close with her. She was left alone with two kids, when I was 2 and my brother was 6 years old. She dedicated the whole life to us, having refused from her personal life. She was the best mother in the world, she could forgive her children anything and accepted them the way they were. It was my rear, my castle, where I could hide and escape from the cruel world. I felt so confident with her. She worked at two jobs in order to feed and clothe us. It was really hard for her, therefore there was no time for the spiritual closeness and sincere conversations with us. During the school years, I really lacked her participation in my life, but then I got used to be independent in everything.

I lived with my husband separately, but nevertheless I came every day and helped her financially. When I was in the places, far away from home, she always visited me and didn’t miss any of the meetings. She criticized me for my lifestyle, but always believed that time for me to end up with drugs will definitely come. She didn’t manage to witness it and for this and for this in particular I blame myself. When I gave birth to my son, she worried a lot about his fate and future. What would happen to him, if I got into the jail again?

She died, when I was on my own custody, waiting for the trial. She was 72 already and she was really weak. Her death was a serious stress for me. I had a feeling that I buried a part of myself.

My dear mommy, for the millionth time I beg you for forgiveness. You couldn’t stand these sufferings. If only I could change something and quit drugs, while she was still alive, it would definitely prolong her life for at least a few more years. The only thing that I have to do now is go to the church, order prayers, stay at the cemetery, asking for forgiveness. The eternal memory to the entire mother. May they forgive their children, who don’t understand and hear them, while they are alive.