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You cannot manage everything...

You cannot manage everything...

Author:   Alla

Country:   Russia

Date of addition: 15.02.2012

 Hey, Max! Do you want one more?

The boy gives me anything in white wrapping. These packet spreads the smell of medicine and death. This was new syringe. In the dark, wet basement, we were sitting together resting on cold wall. There was draught, I felt the smell of dust and humidity, everywhere were mice affected by cold.  I remember my shaking arm, sharp injection; liquid passes through in my blood, pupillary dilate, I close my eyes. . . there is nothing better this feeling.

- Max, does you remember the firs injection?..

-What?..  Yes. . . I remember.

Max tries to get by dirty needle into the arm with sores.

- I remember how we have started, - I have told, - Spliff – it is not harmful, is it? Yes, that is all. We simply try. It is not dependence. If I want, I can simply stop to use drugs . . . I know.

Max said me something understandable, sliding down along the wall from the wave of blissout.

- This is a fault of fucking parents. . . Why they cannot understand me? I’m there . . .because they are not right. If they did not patronize me and dry my brain. . . Although . . . It makes no difference to me! I’m okey!  I live for myself, this is my life! The rest  – dash it all!

I slowly turned to my friend, I wanted the he heard me.

- Hey! What is happen? – I asked.

He sat with glade face and closed eyes. He was in prostration. A pushed him, he sais something indistinctly.

- But my girlfriend?.. What is she? She is silly woman! She doesn’t understand me, really, she doesn’t want to understand me. She only is saying that I am drugster and moral monster almost for there years. . . Everybody arranged against me. Everybody hate me! I am alone, are not I?.. Why do you keep silence? May be you have died? Ha-ha!

We were sitting in such manner for more one and half hour, but may be only for twenty minutes. I did not feel time. We were sitting until the basement’ cold started to dry our arms, legs and faces. Then, we went to the stairs toward light, to wooden door with great endeavor. Bright light dazzled our dark faces as soon as we opened the door and we casually held ourselves ground. We slowly wambled toward home.

I remember as I came in. I remember the cries and tears of my mother, she swore. It was evidently that she was tied from me. Than the yellow dingy wallpaper in my room, sagging sofa, the strong smell of death cookies, which was spread everywhere. I fell flat on the sofa on my face. I felt dizzy; I saw bright dreams. I saw. . . It is seemed that I saw . . . There in my dream, the soldiers walked on the Erath and sun shined and their braincases started to crush in tiny particles with strong noise. People howled and were died in agony. And I beat face against stars. I felt pain, felt the breaking of each my bone . .

My body aches and heart starts to beat strongly and frequently. It shrank and has to do ten different things at the same time, it simply decayed and filled with worms, which avidly ate me inside. Everything was happened jerkily and with each jerk, with each second the pain became stronger and stronger and it was intolerably. I convulsed, fastened myself to mitigate pain. My poisoned blood saturated my heart and it could not clean it. This pain was the strongest and in my life. . . I swear that no any enjoyments count for it! I cried with all my might, dilacerating my throat, tearing bands. My eyes closed in terrible agony. I tried to tear out my heart from me breast, I shredded my breast by my yellow nails. I remember blood, which flowed from these   wounds. It was seemed that it was endless and in the same time it was one moment. . . I writhed. . . My back cambered, I cried!.. Then, I calmed down gradually. . . My heart beat slowly and I started to stifle, I tried to catch air by dried lips. My body became weak; I quietly got cold. . .

I remember my mammy. She could not helm me with anything  – when she heard  my cries, my agony finished. I laid wasted and whispered: “Mother. . . Mammy. . . I . . .love you very much. Forgive me for that I killed your life. . . Mammy thank you for that. . .you did not leave me. . . I cannot return everything back . . . I love you, mom”. My mother cried . . . Oh, God!.. There is nothing, listen to me, nothing terribly than mother’s tears!.. She held my cold hand and try to keep me. She loves me. . .

. . .I was died . I was died, as a dog, from poison, which I with great pleasure got inside me.

I remember, as my dreams were broken, when I started to smoke pot. I did not understand that I needed to pay for all this. I did not appreciate the value of my life. And you say that it is necessary to try everything?.. You cannot manage everything...

I’m wormling . . . I’m nothing. I’m worth nothing; I do not deserve my dream, which I killed. And, I don’t deserve life, which was poisoned by me. I even do not deserve death, which took me. But,. . .most of all, I do not deserve tears of my mother . Mother’s love. . . But mammy...she loves me. . . Forgive me mother. . .for that I’m dead now.

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